Nancy Lee Grahn: Woman Extraordinaire

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Size 92 Moo-Moo

 

The hallway outside Alexis' apartment. Sonny knocks at Alexis' door.

Sonny: Alexis?

Alexis: (stepping off the elevator, reciting to herself) Inhale, exhale, calm, calm, calm. Inhale, exhale, calm, calm, calm.

She pauses, taking a deep breath and turns towards Sonny's door.

Sonny: (watching her closely) Alexis?

Alexis: (surprised, turns towards him) I'm -- was in traffic. (walks over to the door)

Sonny: Why are you so upset?

Alexis: (trying to find her keys) I'm not upset.

Sonny: Well, at least you're right on time, huh?

Alexis: Of course I'm on time. I have a job to do, right? (unlocking the door) I have papers to go over for you. Which I have gone over for you and they're very boilerplate, nothing fancy.

She opens the door and goes inside.

Sonny: (following her in, flips on the lights) You know what? We -- we -- we can take care of this later if you want.

Alexis: (going through files on her desk) We can take care of it right now because that's my job. It's to look out for your coffee shipping contracts and keep them current. (shrugs) I'm really not interested in much else that you're doing, but I will keep you out of jail. (finds the papers she's looking for and picks them up, walks away from Sonny towards the middle of the room) Now, do you want some spring water, some coffee? I can make you cappuccino but unfortunately (turns to face him) I'm going to have to take it out of the box first.

Sonny: You know what? (gestures towards the kitchen) I'll show you how to use that machine if you just (points to her) calm down for one second and just tell me what's going on.

Alexis: (shakes her head) There's nothing going on. I'm fine. I'm fine. (glances back down at the papers in her hand, then quickly back up at Sonny) I'm fine. I'm getting married.

She waits, watching him, and looks half-nauseous, half-terrified.

{Next Scene}

Alexis sits down on the couch, opening a folder.

Sonny: You're getting married? Whoo! (sits down)

Alexis: (unbuttoning her jacket) Yes. Now, I need you to take a look at Section 3F. I sharpened up the language a bit, but you still need to sign off. (hands him a copy of the contract)

Sonny: (glances at the contract, then back at her) Congratulations.

Alexis: Thank you. (still looking at the contracts) And I see no reason why you need to assume liability as a supplier, so I've looked over the contracts in Cleveland and I've changed it there as well.

Sonny: (looking at Alexis) You don't seem that thrilled.

Alexis: (looking over her paperwork) Oh, I'm thrilled.

Sonny: Oh.

Sonny looks down at his contract. Alexis looks up at him, and he glances at her.

Alexis: (trying to convince him) This is thrilled. (points at the contract) Now, can you take a look at Section 3F?

Sonny: Hey, when did Ned pop the question?

Alexis: (still looking at the contracts, taking notes) On bended knee, on a tropical island. You know, that sort of thing.

Sonny: Oh, yeah?

Alexis: Mmm-hmm.

Sonny: So, it's going to be a small wedding?

Alexis: Originally. It was supposed to be on a terrace in the Carribbean, but then the press found us.

Sonny: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Alexis: Yeah, now it's going to be huge.

Sonny: Hmmm.

Alexis: Really big. In order to --

Sonny: Why?

Alexis: (still looking at the contracts) -- keep the media at bay. Make them forget all about Eddie's Angel, which is highly unlikely and farfetched, but it could actually happen. (pauses, looking up at him and sighs) And then, again, it may not happen, whi-- in which case Eddie's Angel would ruin my entire life (shrugs) which really may not be a problem at all now that the Quartermaine's are involved. (points at Sonny's contract) I need you to look at Section 3F.

Sonny: (looking at the contract) We split liability, that's fine.

Alexis: Now, I tabbed page 23 in regard to volume discounts. I think you need to up your percent.

Sonny: (looking) All right.

Alexis continues taking notes for a moment, then looks up at Sonny, frustrated.

Alexis: I said "put a sock in it."

Sonny: (totally confused) What?

Alexis: I told Edward Quartermaine to put a sock in it. I have never even remotely said anything like that. (nodding) I think I'm possessed. Look at me. (points to herself) I'm becoming one of them already. (points to his contract) Page 23.

Sonny: Nice catch.

Alexis: Thank you.

Sonny: Can we do this in Pittsburgh?

Alexis: I certainly don't see why not. You've proven your worth. Why not take back half a percent?

Sonny: I love the way you think.

Alexis: Everything else is standard.

Sonny: Okay, so, we're finished. (shuts his copy of the contract)

Alexis: You just need to sign off.

Sonny: Alright.

Alexis: Is it hot in here?

She stands up, shrugging out of her jacket.

Sonny: Ah --

She walks over to the desk, picking up a legal pad and fanning herself with it.

Alexis: There we go. (turns to Sonny, shrugs) Why would I want to be a Quartermaine?

Sonny: You know --

Alexis: (shrugs) I don't even like being a Cassadine. But you see, I understand the Cassadines, (sits down at the desk, still fanning herself) because we just glare menacingly at each other, slip through dark hallways in crumbling mansions, plot revenge and kill our young.

Sonny: The Quartermaine's might be a relief.

Alexis: (flatly) They yell. And yell. (reciting) And they drive each other to drink. And then they drive their cars into trees. And then they forget who they are. (jumps up out of her chair, pointing at Sonny with the legal pad) And they take drugs. The little one -- (points to the ceiling) ended up on a roof, shooting heroin.

Alexis: The big one -- popped pills, ended up in a gutter on Cortland Street.

Sonny just watches her as she continues her rant.

Alexis: You see, the Cassadines don't take medication. They just withold it from other people who really, really need it as a form of seduction. (points at Sonny again)

Alexis: And don't get me started on that because sexual harrassment -- the Quartermaines have been responsible for new case law.

Sonny: Inhale, Alexis.

Alexis: I can't.

Alexis pauses, walking back over to her desk. She throws the legal pad down on the desk and starts rummaging through the drawers.

Alexis: You know, I'll probably live longer as a Quartermaine, because I don't have to be worried about being poisoned at the breakfast bar. (going through her purse) Unless, of course, their insane cook is having a bad day, or Reginald is trying to make a point. But I'm going to tell you something right now. (dumps her purse out on the desk) I am not wearing pearls. (drops the purse and picks the garbage can up, placing it on the desk) And I'm not drinking bourbon. (going through the garbage) And as far as an heir is concerned, they have Michael.

Sonny: They're -- they're hassling you about an heir already?

Alexis: (holding a crumpled paper bag) No. (nods, smiling worriedly) See, they obviously think I'm inept. (looking down at the paper bag)

Alexis: Which -- which means they're probably right, (breathes into the bag, walking across the room) because, you know, I'm not really suited for the mommy track. I mean, I probably won't even have to worry about it, because if Ned is anything like Edward, (throws open the terrace doors) there'll probably be this parade of illegitimate children pounding down my door.

Alexis: (turns, pointing at Sonny) Not that a name makes you legitimate, (walks back over to the living room, not stopping to breathe between words as she rambles on) because it doesn't, because I have a name, it's very legitimate and I'm not changing it and Ned doesn't want me to.

She stops in front of the fireplace, leaning on the mantle and breathes into the paper bag.

Sonny: Well, then there's no problem.

Alexis: What if -- what if Lila asks me to?

SonnY: Why would she do that?

Alexis: (still not breathing between words) Because you can't refuse Lila. And I'm sure she's got a pair -- several pairs -- of heirloom pearls that she's going to make me wear probably while I'm drinking bourbon. (breathes into the bag again)

Sonny: You hate bourbon.

Alexis: (continuing the rant) I'm going to end up on a couch sprawled out in a size 92 moo-moo eating bon-bons reading the book-of-the-month-club and signing my name "Mrs. Edward Ashton Lawrence."

She breathes into the bag again then turns to Sonny.

Alexis: (gesturing to the bag) You know, this thing doesn't work at all.

She passes out, falling half on the couch, half on the floor.

Sonny: Whoa!

 

Next Scene, Next Day}

Sonny is helping Alexis up off the floor.

Sonny: Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. Okay, okay -- take your time. Take your time.

Alexis: (sitting down on the edge of the couch) All right.

Sonny: Keep your head down.

Alexis: (moaning) Oh.

Sonny: (pushing her head down) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alexis: (face buried in her hands) Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I did that.

Sonny: Getting married makes people nervous.

Alexis: (sits up a little straighter, still has her hands on her face) You weren't nervous.

Sonny: Sure I was.

Alexis: (sighs) You didn't pass out.

Sonny: Well, looking at a jail sentence helped.

Alexis: So, what are you saying? I should rob a bank?

Sonny: In your shape, no.

Alexis: (hands still half on her face, looks at him) Quit trying to cheer me up.

Sonny: Why don't I go unpack the cappuccino machine? (stands, walking towards the kitchen)

Alexis: Oh, great. You're offering to make me coffee? (slides back to sit on the couch) Now you really think I'm desperate.

Sonny: (shrugs) I make coffee all the time. What are you talking about?

Alexis: You know, I don't want you to misunderstand because I love Ned with all my heart.

Sonny: I believe you.

Alexis: (leaning against the arm of the couch, hands on either side of her face) It's just -- what if this marriage is a huge mistake.

She continues looking at him briefly, then covers her face with her hands, sighing.

{Next Scene}

Alexis sits on the couch, slowly sipping coffee. Sonny is pouring himself a cup from the cappuccino machine that sits on her desk.

Sonny: (pointing to her cup) That's a new blend we're trying out. What do you think?

Alexis: Is it legal?

Sonny shakes his head, smiling.

Alexis: Then it's good. Thank you. And thank you for unearthing the cappuccino machine.

Sonny: (takes a few steps toward her) How long had it been sitting in the box?

Alexis: (glances carefully at him) Ned gave it to me as a housewarming gift if that gives you any idea.

Sonny: Do you ever even walk past the kitchen? (takes a seat next to her)

Alexis: Sometimes.

Sonny: (half-sighs) Oh.

Alexis: (looks at him, defensive) You think I'd be a terrible wife, don't you? You don't think I should marry Ned at all.

Sonny: Did I ever say don't marry Ned?

Alexis: (defending herself) I am not a domestic person. If it weren't for Graciela and the Port Charles Grille, I would starve to death in a filthy apartment. (stands up and walks over toward the cappuccino machine) I didn't even know that cappuccino makes espresso.

Sonny: Cappuccino is espresso with milk foam.

Alexis: (shrugs) You see, a good wife would know that.

She walks over and sets her cup on the desk.

Sonny: Maybe you're overthinking all this.

Alexis: You think? I don't know -- (shrugs) maybe that's a possibility.

Sonny: I know. I did the same thing.

Alexis: I know. I was there. It was billable.

Sonny: (stands, walking over to her) But in the end, it didn't matter because I did what I had to do.

Alexis: (sarcastically) Gee, that's romantic.

Sonny: Your marriage could work out. That's all I'm saying.

Alexis: See, now I know why Carly ran up the stairs.

Sonny: We got through the wedding. You can, too.

Alexis: I can get through root canal. That doesn't mean that I want to. (walks away from him)

Sonny: (turns to follow her, frustrated) What's the problem?

Alexis: The aisle, the dress, the veil. It just -- seems so -- sacrificial.

Sonny: No wonder you passed out.

Alexis: (quietly) I'll be walking away from myself.

Sonny: Well, if you don't want to do it, don't do it.

Alexis: That's your answer? "If you don't want to do it, don't do it?"

Sonny looks at her, mouth open like he wants to say something, but she continues.

Alexis: What kind of answer is that? (waving him off) See, you just don't get this at all, and that's because you're a man. I'm sorry, (shrugs, holding up her hands in defense) I say that with due respect, but it's a -- there's a difference between a man and a woman here. (points at him) You just walk down the aisle. You stand there. You don't have to change your name.

She walks away, over to the couch and picks up a pillow.

Sonny: You told me that Ned didn't want you to take his name.

Alexis: I -- am not changing my name. (lays down on the couch, closing her eyes)

Sonny: Okay, see, now you lost me. (sits down on the other couch)

Alexis: (waving him off) You don't get this at all.

Sonny: Does Ned?

Alexis: (defensively) I don't think Ned needs to know about this.

Sonny: I'm just asking.

Alexis: (opens her eyes) Because he'll think that I don't want to marry him.

Sonny: (tiredly) Where would he get that idea?

Alexis: Ned wants to be married. He likes being married. He's done it five times.

Sonny: What do you want?

Alexis: (slowly) I want -- to want to marry Ned. I want it to be easy. I -- I don't want to have so much angst about it, and I don't want to be afraid that I'm going to disappear. (sits up, turns to face Sonny)

Sonny: How would that work?

Alexis: I know exactly how that works, because I grew up with it. (shakes her head) Invisible. Helena hated me, Stavros ignored me, and my own father (half-laughs) never acknowledged that I existed. (holds up a finger) And you know what? No matter what happened, whether my name was Natasha Alexis Davidovich or just "Hey you," I knew that the only person that I could depend on was me. (slowly) I created Alexis Davis and I have learned to like her. And I don't want to -- (shrugs, looking for the right words) lose her. You get this. (Sonny looks at her, confused) You had to do the same thing.

Sonny: I did?

Alexis: (moving to sit next to him) A little boy locked in a closet doesn't become one of the most powerful businessman on the eastern seaboard without reinventing himself. Now how would you feel if someone said you need to let go of Sonny Corinthos and just pretend that he never existed.

Sonny: Why would anybody ask me to do that?

Alexis: You see, that's just my point. They won't, because you're a man. And they're not going to ever ask a man to change his name. (digressing) Unless, of course, it's the Witness Protection Program and that's an entirely different issue altogether.

Sonny: (trying to keep her on track) Okay, for -- forget the Witness Protection. You were just telling me why you don't want to get married.

Alexis: I do! I do want to get -- (trails off, frustrated)

Sonny: Wha --

Alexis: See, right now, Ned and I are two separate entities. Ned and Alexis. Alexis and Ned.

Sonny: (nods) Mmm-hmm.

Alexis: But as soon as we get married, I promise you, no matter what my name is legally, we will be referred to as The Ashton's. (spinning out scenarios) "The Ashton's are coming to dinner. The Ashton's send their regrets. Merry Christmas, The Ashton's."

Sonny: So, why get married?

Alexis: It's -- (frustrated) not that simple!

She gets up and walks away.

Sonny: (watching her) Why doesn't that surprise me?

{Next Scene}

Alexis: I never thought that I would fall in love with anyone. So, you can imagine I never thought I would get married.

Sonny: Sometimes you got to just dive in.

Alexis: I don't dive!

Sonny: Listen. When I was growing up, the Cerullo kids and I, right -- we used to sneak out at night. They built this pool in my neighborhood and we used to kind of like slip through the fence --

Alexis: (interrupting) Oh, you see, I could never do that. I just don't know how to slip through a fence and I've never been to Brooklyn.

Sonny looks at her for a moment, then continues.

Sonny: We'd get on the high dive, right? In the dark --

Alexis: (interrupting again) I would get caught!

Sonny again looks at her before continuing.

Sonny: We -- we would be on the high dive, right? You couldn't see the water down there, okay, but I knew the cops were coming in three seconds and you know, I -- (sighs) part of me was screaming, "Don't do it, don't do it," but I wanted that feeling, of going in the water, into nowhere, then, you know, swimming to the surface, you know? Almost laughing so hard because I almost drowned. You get what I'm saying? So I dived. I had to.

Alexis: Which part of this terrifying little anecdote is supposed to cheer me up?

Sonny: That's what getting married is like.

Alexis: (sarcastically) Oh, see, gee. I feel, oh, so much better now. Thanks.

Sonny: You're welcome.

Alexis: (casually) I suppose Lois was in on this.

Sonny: Yeah, she used to race me to the high dive.

Alexis: (turns back to Sonny) You know, maybe Lois is the kind of girl that Ned should marry.

Sonny: Oh, come on now! If you're going to be upset at, uh, you know -- because of Ned's exes, then you shouldn't be doing this.

Alexis: So, you're saying I should bail.

Sonny: Well, I -- if you want to get married, get married. If you don't want to get married, don't get married.

Alexis: (yelling) I do want to get married! How many times am I supposed to say that to you? I just don't --

Sonny: Oh, whoa, okay. Whoa, hey, whoa, ho, ho, ho. Here, have some espresso. (hands her a cup)

Alexis: Oh, great.

Sonny: Calm down. Take it easy.

Alexis: You know what? I think caffeine is really good for me right now. (drinks the coffee in one gulp)

Sonny: And you know what else? I think you should mention some of this to Ned.

Alexis: I love Ned with all my heart, and I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. I just don't see why that means that I have to marry him.

She walks around Sonny over towards the desk. The door opens and Ned walks in.

Ned: Honey, I'm home.

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